Ballerinas and Babies
Lately I've been giving a lot of thought to what my future holds. I guess that's why I'm writing again. I love to write, and I have not done much of it in the years post college. At least not much that is personal. When it became my career to write and edit marketing copy, writing for pleasure lost a little of its appeal, I suppose. I want to bring writing back into my present, because I want writing in my future.
I've been giving a lot of thought to what our family's future holds, too. I think about family vacations, school, a new house, the kids' extracurricular activities... Madeleine just started a "real" dance class, and by that I mean ongoing, at a studio, rather than short-term parks & rec. I was so nervous. I wanted her to love it, because growing up I wanted to dance, I love watching dancers, and I want to watch my daughter make graceful, breathtaking, heart-racing art up there on stage, under lights and in costume. I just watched the documentary "A Ballerina's Tale," about Misty Copeland, and it reignited my desire. I always wanted to take ballet. I guess that's something you have to watch out for as a parent. I don't want to push my daughter to do everything I wanted to do and didn't. I don't want to buy her all of the things I wanted and never had. I want to be careful. That's why I was so nervous to take her to dance class. I was careful to say we would do a "practice" class first, and if she didn't like it, we could try something else, like gymnastics or karate. I didn't even buy her a leotard and ballet shoes for that first class, because I wanted to hold it lightly, so lightly. I wanted to be able to let it go. I knew we could try again later if she didn't like it. I know she may change her mind about it in the future. But for now, she loves it. She loves ballet, she loves tap, she loves the outfit and the shoes and her teacher and the other girls. She tries to mimic every move, follow every step, and inside, I rejoice. I know it might not last. I have to give her the freedom to make her own choices. So I'm just holding onto hope and enjoying it right now, for the moment.
We've been thinking about having another baby. (Did I say that out loud?) I feel crazy for wanting four kids. It feels greedy and risky and big. None of the others felt like that. There are a lot of reasons not to add to our family. A lot of big reasons. Good reasons. Understandable reasons. But. Then there's this nagging feeling that won't let go. We would be happy if we learned I was pregnant. We could make it work. We would not regret it. And our family feels like it's missing someone. I am struggling to listen to the still, small voice inside me that says having another baby is scary and a little uncomfortable, and it's a step of faith and trust that is not easy. And God will provide. And God wants us to trust Him. And if we are blessed with another baby, that is a gift. You only live once... I want to follow the Call.
Lately I've been giving a lot of thought to what my future holds. I guess that's why I'm writing again. I love to write, and I have not done much of it in the years post college. At least not much that is personal. When it became my career to write and edit marketing copy, writing for pleasure lost a little of its appeal, I suppose. I want to bring writing back into my present, because I want writing in my future.
I've been giving a lot of thought to what our family's future holds, too. I think about family vacations, school, a new house, the kids' extracurricular activities... Madeleine just started a "real" dance class, and by that I mean ongoing, at a studio, rather than short-term parks & rec. I was so nervous. I wanted her to love it, because growing up I wanted to dance, I love watching dancers, and I want to watch my daughter make graceful, breathtaking, heart-racing art up there on stage, under lights and in costume. I just watched the documentary "A Ballerina's Tale," about Misty Copeland, and it reignited my desire. I always wanted to take ballet. I guess that's something you have to watch out for as a parent. I don't want to push my daughter to do everything I wanted to do and didn't. I don't want to buy her all of the things I wanted and never had. I want to be careful. That's why I was so nervous to take her to dance class. I was careful to say we would do a "practice" class first, and if she didn't like it, we could try something else, like gymnastics or karate. I didn't even buy her a leotard and ballet shoes for that first class, because I wanted to hold it lightly, so lightly. I wanted to be able to let it go. I knew we could try again later if she didn't like it. I know she may change her mind about it in the future. But for now, she loves it. She loves ballet, she loves tap, she loves the outfit and the shoes and her teacher and the other girls. She tries to mimic every move, follow every step, and inside, I rejoice. I know it might not last. I have to give her the freedom to make her own choices. So I'm just holding onto hope and enjoying it right now, for the moment.
We've been thinking about having another baby. (Did I say that out loud?) I feel crazy for wanting four kids. It feels greedy and risky and big. None of the others felt like that. There are a lot of reasons not to add to our family. A lot of big reasons. Good reasons. Understandable reasons. But. Then there's this nagging feeling that won't let go. We would be happy if we learned I was pregnant. We could make it work. We would not regret it. And our family feels like it's missing someone. I am struggling to listen to the still, small voice inside me that says having another baby is scary and a little uncomfortable, and it's a step of faith and trust that is not easy. And God will provide. And God wants us to trust Him. And if we are blessed with another baby, that is a gift. You only live once... I want to follow the Call.
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