Mommy Needs a Break

I find myself daydreaming about going on vacation a lot lately. Every time I hear of someone going on a trip, I turn green with envy. Anywhere. I'd go anywhere. Preferably without the kiddo, but I'd take him with me if it meant a week in Hawaii. I need peace, quiet, no work, no chores, nothing to do and nowhere to be. No one to need me. Just for a little while, I'd like to recharge and relax.

I spend 99% of my time with my son. I'm so grateful for the blessing of staying home with him, and I know there are lots of moms who really wish they could do that and envy the fact that I work from home. But sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I worked outside the home. It's difficult to explain how hard it is juggling a toddler, a pregnancy, housework and my writing/editing work. It may sound like a lot, and you may think, geez, she must be tired. But in practice, it's more than a lot. By the end of the day, I am so exhausted I don't even have a spare word for my husband, who often gets home late (like 11pm). I wait up for him because I crave adult interaction and support, but by the time he arrives, I'm spent. I don't even have the energy to wash my face, brush my teeth, and climb into bed. Which is why I often fall asleep on the couch, then drag myself to bed hours later.

Some days I have a light "work" load, so I do a load of laundry, take Ethan to the park or on a playdate, maybe run some errands, paint some doors (or whatever the latest home improvement project is), blog, write in the kids' journals, do the dishes, make dinner. Yeah, making dinner is now at the bottom of my list of priorities, especially since the hubs so often gets home too late to enjoy it anyway. Instead, I think of something last-minute... something I didn't prepare for in advance, like scrambled eggs and toast (that was tonight) or pasta. I used to pride myself on planning dinners for 5 or 6 nights a week, winging it just once or twice. Now I could care less. As long as we eat, what does it matter, really?

I'm starting to really identify with those of my friends who aren't Type-A, OCD perfectionists, who don't feel the need to keep the house spotless and dinner on the table every night. I have one friend in particular, pregnant with her fourth child, who jokes that something has to give with each child. So first it was dishes, maybe, then laundry, then cleaning the bathrooms. Whatever. I'm definitely letting the housecleaning slide. I mean, we just moved in and there are so many projects to complete anyway, cleaning seems like a trivial thing. If you know me, you are shocked that I just said that. But I'm learning that something has to give, because I can't do it all. I thought I could, but I can't.

This mommy needs a break, and if it can't come in the form of a weeklong tropical vacation, then let it be in small ways every day, in the things I just don't accomplish, choose not to accomplish, choose to let go of, to not worry about, to not stress over. Let it be in the load of laundry that didn't get done, the sink of dirty dishes that can wait another day, the unmopped floors and the undusted furniture. Let it be a nap instead of more writing and editing. Let it be cuddling with my hubby instead of trying to squeeze in one more painting project. Here's to a vacation that gives me a teensy bit of relief every day, because in less than two months, I'm really going to need it.